Kerrie Murphy | June 03, 2008
OH man, Defrag has not been this excited since our mum made us a Star Trek uniform.
Navigator Chekov ready for a night on the town
The mum-made Star Trek uniform was humiliating, but it was a long time ago.
Admittedly, not long enough to deflect ignominy - we once wore it in a nightclub after a costume party, although in our defence we were (a) drunk and (b) not even the weirdest-dressed person there.
The reason for Defrag's excitement - and subsequent walk down memory lane, with a detour down shame alley - was a Telstra function last week.
Unless you are a fan of soggy apricot danishes, business functions are rarely sources of glee, but what made this one different is that the speaker, Telstra chief technology officer Hugh Bradlow, actually remained in Melbourne and attended the Adelaide event as a hologram.
He was projected on a clear screen, while microphones and cameras allowed the virtual Bradlow to interact with the audience so it was just like the real thing, only slightly taller and a bit fuzzy. That's not technically a hologram, let's ignore that, because a hologram means that the world is getting more like Star Trek every day, which Defrag thinks is awesome.
As has been established, we like the uniforms. Now at this point some of you may be thinking: hang on a minute Defrag, only a dork would think of Star Trek.
Everyone knows it is Star Wars and Princess Leia's message to Obi-Wan Kenobi that is the pinnacle of hologram achievement.
To which we say: that movie is set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away - you're living in the past.
The minute Defrag heard about the existence of an almost-hologram, we entertained the possibilities.
Then we decided that the possibilities weren't worth the effort and they could entertain themselves.
Sure, there's the very worthy benefit of reducing your carbon footprint by hologramming instead of flying, but there's little else to be gained.
For instance, we thought we could send our hologram to things we should to attend but didn't want to.
Then we realised there's a whole etiquette minefield in sending your hologram to your cousin's wedding, and even though it saves them the cost of buying you food, they are unlikely to look kindly on the gesture.
It's not as if it gets you out of the function. You may still be in your lounge room, but you couldn't watch a sci-fi marathon.
You have to make chitchat with people just as if you had actually attended, and because you want your hologram to look good, you still need to dress up.
Get back to Defrag when you've developed the ability to make a clone of us.
There's always a chance said clone could be evil, but it should be easy to spot.
If Star Trek has taught us anything, it's that evil clones always wear too much eye make-up and, if you spy any pictures of us in a Star Trek uniform, that was our evil clone.
TOP 10
This week:
Chris Dunn and Pam Jensen, who are believed to be among the first couples to meet on the internet, have celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. Here are the 10 most appropriate ways for an internet couple to mark the occasion.
10. A bunch of virtual roses, a virtual drink on Facebook and listening to the same online radio station while living half a world away, while pretending to dance with a person that doesn't exist.
9. 25 years ... time for a reboot.
8. Arrange a private party, have the invitations intercepted and broadcast on Facebook then deal with the 500 gate-crashers.
7. Put down the acoustic coupler and get out and meet some other people.
6. They should retire to the bedroom, open their gateways, synchronise their DNSs and create some subdomains.
5. They log on to Second Life and renew their vows.
4. Changing from serial monogamy to broadband.
3. Fire up two old IBM PCjrs, set the modems to 240K, and have a reaaaaaaally slow conversation.
2. He hacks Interflora and fills the house with flowers; she hacks P&O and gives him two cruise tickets.
1. They could meet in real life for the first time.
Contributors: Renae Lewis, John Beltman, Keith Cundale, Wolf, Dan McIntyre, Michael Playfair, Dwight Lemke, Geoff Johannessen, Michael Shephard and Graham Wilcox.
Next week:
Fans are miffed that the version of Grand Theft Auto 4 being sold in Australia has been censored. Send us the top 10 signs your game is too tame. Answers by Thursday please.