Kerrie Murphy | June 10, 2008
DEFRAG isn't one to stir up widespread pandemonium and rioting in the streets.
Well, not unless we're especially bored on a rainy afternoon and we've flicked through all the cartoon channels on television and none of them is playing anything worthwhile.
We're not saying specifically that you should arm yourself and stock up on bottled water and tins of creamed corn, but you might want to consider drawing up an emergency action plan, especially one that can come up with some actual uses for creamed corn.
You'll thank Defrag when the Martians attack.
Now you might be tempted to scoff at the very idea of a Martian invasion as some sort of throwback to 1950s McCarthy era paranoia about the red menace (why yes, Defrag does have an arts degree specialising in cultural studies -- however did you guess?), but you won't be so full of scoff when the little green men invade and you are caught with nary a tin of creamed corn to your name.
Defrag suspects that a hostile visit from the red planet is imminent now that humanity has gone and done the intergalactic equivalent of asking a woman when the baby's due when she isn't pregnant.
According to Britain's Daily Mail, the Phoenix lander didn't just do the space tourist thing of taking a few happy snaps when it landed on Mars recently.
Oh no. Like any good house guest it brought a thank-you gift for the host.
Therein lies the problem. The gift was a DVD compiled by The Planetary Society, which contains the sum of human knowledge about Mars.
As well as personal greetings from noted science fiction authors such as Ray Bradbury and Arthur C.Clarke, the disc -- made from a silica glass, so it's super-duper resilient -- also contains a sampling of popular fiction depicting Martians, including Orson Welles's 1938 broadcast of War of the Worlds and the movie Mars Attacks!
Has it really been left up to Defrag to point out why this is a really bad idea?
If you're trying to make a good impression on somebody you've just met, that's not going to happen if the first thing you do is bring up how everyone thinks they're ugly murderous creatures whose heads explode when exposed to the song Indian Love Call, and yet that's exactly what we've done to any Martians who happen upon the disc.
At best they're going to be seriously offended and then they will tell all the other space aliens about the gauche humans and we'll be known far and wide as the galaxy's hillbillies.
At worst, it will give them ideas, so that when they do head off to Earth to wipe out humanity they'll remember to pack earphones and antibiotics and we'll all be screwed.
And yes, there's always a possibility that the Martians won't be able to watch the DVD because they've only got a Beta video machine.
Or that the disc also includes the 1964 movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and they will be so weirded-out by watching it they'll decide to give Earth a wide berth to avoid further bafflings.
Defrag doesn't like to leave the fate of the planet to chance, which is why if you need us, we'll be out in the shed, trying to work out how to build a rocket launcher powerful enough to send a tin of creamed corn to the moon so we can smash that disc before it falls into the wrong hands.
TOP 10
Fans are miffed that the version of Grand Theft Auto 4 sold in Australia has been censored. Send us the top 10 signs your game is too tame.
10. The lead characters are Hetty Johnston and Fred Nile.
9. Pac-Man has more animated gore and violence.
8. You seem to undertake a lot of missions to protect shadowy figures purchasing $10 million worth of icing sugar.
7. They've replaced the weapons in World of Warcraft with large feather pillows.
6. There is only one type of car in the game: a Toyota Prius with an empty fuel tank and flat batteries.
5. Characters must apply for gun licences.
4. The driver is Mario.
3. Lara Croft is only a B cup.
2. Level 8: Counselling.
1. It's called Grand Borrow-For-a-While Auto.
Contributors: John Lilley, Gordon Frend, Anthony Long, Dwight Lemke, Steve Leahy, Adam Vanini, Michael Nicholls
Next week: Tom Cruise has just launched his own website. Send us the 10 most surprising revelations on it. Answers by Thursday please.