Kerrie Murphy | June 17, 2008
DEFRAG has long accepted we are going to hell. Not only do we own AC/DC CDs but we've been known to laugh heartily when people walk into poles, which we're pretty sure is breaking one of the 10 Commandments.
Or perhaps it's one of the 1827 amendments to the 10 Commandments quietly released a few years back, commandment 10 xcvii (a) thou shalt not snort beverage through thy nose when a person, distracted by the forces of evil, beans themselves on a pole, be it metal, plastic or wood, tree or any similar structure, no matter how amusingly cartoon-like it may be to watch.So when Judgment Day comes, Defrag's main concerns will be charging our iPod and ordering an extra large cappuccino (it is a well-established fact that Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves is the only song on Hell's jukebox and the coffee is always instant). If time permits, we might also grab marshmallows and a packet of Chocolate Wheatens so we can use the eternal fire to make s'mores.
One thing we're not going to be worried about is whether our friends and family will have ready access to our passwords. So now we can add "being selfish" to the litany of reasons we are among the damned.
It turns out some forward-thinking evangelical Christians are already making sure their online affairs are Armageddon-ready.
Youvebeenleftbehind.com is a website that caters to those worried about what happens to the people remaining on earth after The Rapture, an event in which true Christians are suddenly whisked up to heaven, leaving everyone else to endure seven years of Satan's rule before JC turns up and kicks him to the kerb.
For $US40 ($43) a year, you can store 250MB of encrypted and unencrypted documents, which will be sent to up to 62 email addresses when The Rapture occurs.
The site suggests that along with important information such as bank account details, you could also send a message imploring those close to you to repent. This is further proof that Defrag is evil, because we'd use it to send the message: "We told you so. Who's laughing now, Hell(boy or girl)?", which may not be very charitable.
Of course, there is the small matter of how exactly the site will know when The Rapture has occurred, since you'd hope that those who run it would be among those taken up.
However, if three of the site's five employees fail to log in for more than six days straight, it will be assumed that the end times are nigh, triggering the mailout.
It's a nice gesture, even if Defrag thinks that if the occurrence of The Rapture itself hasn't persuaded you to repent, an email probably won't do the trick.
And with the Horned One creating hell on earth, those left behind will probably have bigger issues to deal with than changing the Facebook status of someone to: "Mick has been spared this earthly torment".
Even religious experts have their doubts. Randy Maddox, a theology professor at Duke University told US ABC News: "In one sense, they're arguing it will be a time of great disaster, but in another sense they're promising their website will be working. There are logical incongruities with the model."
Defrag isn't sure why he doubts that technology would work at a time like this. Everybody knows a certain operating system is a work of the devil.
TOP 10
This week:
Tom Cruise has just launched his own website. Here are the 10 most surprising revelations on it.
10. He says he thought Oprah's couch was a prototype Wii Fit.
9. Tom recognises Defrag as a goddess ... who outranks him.
8. He confesses an addiction to Xanax and Zoloft.
7. An acknowledgment that L. Ron Hubbard wrote comedy science fiction, and the Scientologists have just cracked the code for the joke contained in Dianetics.
6. You are allowed to have anonymous as a user name.
5. He thinks just because he is no longer Australia's favourite son-in-law there is no reason we can't still hang out.
4. An admission that Scientology is "kind of kooky".
3. He loves cooking lamb roasts, blowing that "giving up dinner with Tom Cruise" debate out of the water once and for all.
2. Is working on his next movie, Mission Impossible IV: Understanding an EULA.
1. He thinks he should have been nominated for an Oscar for his role in Risky Business.
Contributors: Stewart Brown, Don Knowles, Graham Wilcox, Anthony Long, Andrew Preston, Emma Crane, John Brooks, Sonia Reid, Steve Fittler, Wolf.
Next week:
It has been revealed that a US principal did not represent Canada at the Olympics as his school website claimed. Send us your top 10 signs someone's bio is exaggerated. Answers by Thursday please to OzDefrag@Gmail.com