Sticky software problem for Microsoft

DEFRAG doesn't spend much time thinking about young people. We have other things on our mind, such as whether we can ask the Google Street View van to come back, preferably on a day when we don't have washing on the line, now that we've painted the house.

Or whether we can sue Nokia-Optus because the time reset on our mobile overnight. The alarm didn't go off, we were running late for work and we got a parking fine.

As a sub-wonder to that main wonder, we're curious as to whether the alarm clock that wakes you up by cooking bacon has the same issue or if in fact you'd actually care because you have bacon.

When we're not thinking about that, we're pondering why the codename for Microsoft's post-Windows operating system is Midori.

Sure we've all enjoyed an Illusion, but do you really want your product associated with something that so often ends in a sticky mess and a lot of regret?

Then again, in the ace telemovie Pirates of Silicon Valley, Steve Ballmer was portrayed as a Hawaiian-shirt-wearing frat boy and played by the voice of Bender the robot, so maybe this is a sign of Microsoft's new party-on-dude ethos now that Bill G has left the building. (New motto: we're the Animal House of software).

With all that going on, we can't be expected to spend time checking if the youth of the world are OK when they're on the web, which is fine, because Defrag is not directly responsible for any of them.

But for parents who, unlike Defrag, have bigger concerns than whether their children will try to chew on their laptop, there is an array of software monitoring products to ensure they don't see anything that can scar them for life.

Recently, Sentry software released a study of the 10 most common words that US and British parents have red-flagged while using its parental control software to monitor their children's net usage.

Most of this list is obvious, suicide or dope, but others seem kind of strange. Hate was the 10th most popular item on the list. Given the frequency with which Defrag used the word when we were a teen, it's a wonder the world's computers haven't exploded under the strain of monitoring that.

Then there's the fourth item, Emo. When we first read that, we thought "sure, that red puppet on Sesame Street is kind of annoying, but he has been around since 1985, it's time to let it go". Then we realised the list in fact referred to the teen sub-culture.

Since it involves wearing a lot of black clothes, eye make-up and hair, we wouldn't have thought you'd need software to alert worried parents to their teen's involvement.

But really, besides the music of My Chemical Romance being derivative, is being Emo such a huge deal? Where are the red flags for wanting to be like Paris Hilton or thinking you deserve a place on Australian Idol? And for the love of Burt Reynolds, why isn't someone checking to see if young people are searching for and writing about dolls, be they Pussycat or Bratz?

Perhaps Microsoft can get on to it when they've finished drinking. They should consider ripping off the bacon alarm clock while they're at it.

TOP 10

This week:
SOME people complain that the blue LEDs on electronic devices are interrupting their sleep. Here are the top 10 signs your bedroom has too many gadgets.

10. You wake in the morning with a tan.

9. You turn on your bedroom computer and the garage door goes up.

8. Your alarm clock wakes you to the sound of the kettle boiling, toaster popping, eggs frying and the morning news on the television.

7. Your wake-up routine resembles something from Wallace and Gromit.

6. In other unfortunate intimate moments a screen pops up and asks you whether you would mind reporting the problem to Microsoft.

5. You try to fall asleep by counting beeps.

4. Your quilt cover says "optimised for Nvidia" or "Intel Inside".

3. Your iPod shuffle has lots of songs on it, but only ever plays Blue Suede Shoes and Blue Sky Mining , and all the LEDs blink along in time.

2. There are no pillows on the beds as they are all in front of the lights on the television, stereo and so on.

1. Even with the light off you can read under the blankets.

Contributors: Digby Jacobs, Bort, Iain Kennedy, Gavin Pay, Paul Hunt, Ian McColl, Tim Borten, Keith Cundale, James Nelson and Don Knowles.

Next week:

Doggyspace is a canine social networking site. Send us the top signs you're using a social networking site for dogs. Answers by Thursday please to OzDefrag@Gmail.com