Those biurnal beats mess with your head

HOLD it right there. We're going to have to ask you to step away from the internet, nice and easy.

We've spent the better part of the day working on the presentation slide above

Admittedly we don't have a Taser, but we can shuffle on the carpet in our stocking feet and then poke you.

Now, Defrag is not saying that if you use the internet you will turn into a depraved maniac in a dank, rat-infested flophouse, living only for crime and your next high. It's just highly likely.

Or so says an opinion piece on USAToday.com.

Kim Komando warns of the dangers of digital drugs being sold to OUR CHILDREN on the internet.

She's referring to biurnal beats, in which different sounds are played on each channel so that when you listen to them with headphones it messes with your head.

Some sites sell these sounds, known in street slang as idosers, claiming they mimic the effects of LSD, crack and heroin - apart from the addiction, facial abscesses, kidney problems, and so on.

Now Defrag would be the last person to suggest another journalist is beating up a story for sensationalistic purposes, but a verbatim quote of our reaction to the story is: "bwaaaaa-ah-ha".

Then we got confused as to whether we were laughing at the article, or the idea that kids will not pay money to download songs legally but will spend up big on a series of annoying noises. Komando quotes a brain surgeon who says studies on biurnal beats suggest they can affect mood or motor skills, but there is no real evidence idosers work.

She counters his argument with examples of people posting their experiences online, which as we all know, trumps real science any day.

The more we mulled it over, the more we wondered if Komando was on to something.

After all, music does change you.

For instance, we're a peaceful, loving soul until we're exposed to the musical stylings of Brian McFadden, and then we just want to punch people in the throat.

And there was that girl we knew in high school who told us: "I don't need drugs to get high, I just listen to The Doors," although we assumed she was on drugs when she said it, or at the very least drunk.

Consequently, we've decided to get in on this act - not idosers, which will probably be passe by the time you read this, but word drugs, which get you high when read.

We figured bwooooolnorm is probably a reasonable facsimile of pot, as far as we can tell from watching Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

However, when we tried it on a few colleagues they just looked at us strangely and pretended they had to answer the phone.

Just as you need headphones for idosers to work, perhaps plain printed text is not enough - you need the right context. Surely, eye-searing fonts would help.

Which is why we've spent the better part of the day working on the PowerPoint slide depicted on this very page.

We guarantee that reading the words on it will simulate the effects of narcotics.

At the very least, it may cause vomiting, something a lot of drugs do.

Mission accomplished.

TOP 10

This week:
DOGGYSPACE is a canine social networking site. Here are the top signs you're using a social networking site for dogs.

10. The confirmation of a friend request is a strange ritual involving noses and bums.

9. Most of the members use Fido or Spot as their ID.

8. WWW stands for Woof Woof Woof.

7. Your inbox is full of spam from pet food manufacturers.

6. Visitors leave messages on your wall that are unpleasantly odoriferous.

5. Your antivirus software downloads the latest optional updates for the tick, flea and heartworm viruses.

4. Every news item on the site has had at least 100 diggs.

3. Everyone is really pleased to see you when you log in, even if you were only gone for two minutes.

2. There's crap all over the site, and it's not just the content.

1. Every profile begins with: "I enjoy long walks along the beach ..."

Contributors: Anthony Long, Natalie04, Squarepeg, Roger Denholm, James Nelson, Tanya Beese, Tom M, Craig Batty, Keith Cundale and Adam Smith.

Next week:
According to the LA Times, several former tech entrepreneurs have launched their own fashion lines. Send us the top signs you're wearing geek-designed clothing.

Answers by Thursday please to OzDefrag@Gmail.com